My TTC Story

I know when I come across a pregnancy or baby blog I'm always curious about the backstory, so here goes...

So, how did we get here? (Aside from the obvious!)

We started trying for a baby shortly before our wedding, in the summer of 2010. I didn't give it much though - figured we'd be expecting by Christmas. We had already wanted a baby for a year or so and were really just waiting for our wedding. I thought things would just fall into place after that.

But we weren't pregnant by Christmas. Nothing was happening! I had never paid attention to my cycles before, so I finally started keeping track on a calendar. And after a while, I couldn't find any pattern. 22 days, 47 days, 65 days...WTF?

I did some research and started to suspect PCOS. My doctor did some bloodwork and sent me for an ultrasound - all came back clear. No cysts. She was kind of at a loss and decided to refer me to an OB/GYN. As I waited on that for almost a year, I did more research. I began hitting the gym, cut out refined sugar and simple carbs, and slowly lost 30 pounds. My next cycle after that loss was a perfect 28 days. Hmmm....

Meanwhile, the OB referred me to a fertility clinic. The week before my first appointment there, I started to suspect I might be pregnant. I was late, but spotting a little and my boobs were on fire....yet I couldn't get a positive home pregnancy test. What the hell?

So at the appointment they took some blood and the following day (March 30, 2012 to be exact), at over a week late, I got the call saying that I had an HCG level of 10 - technically, I was pregnant. But they were a bit concerned with how low that number was for the dates I had given them. I was asked to come back the next day for more bloodwork - they wanted to see that HCG level double every 48 hours to see if the pregnancy was viable.

The next week-and-a-half was spent getting blood drawn every two days and waiting on pins and needles for my number. I always doubled, but just barely. I remember thinking that my numbers should be taking off, and they just wouldn't! I started to get some nausea, but I also continued spotting most days. I just knew in my heart something wasn't right, but I wanted that baby so badly I tried to ignore my doubts.

On April 29, 2012 my levels were finally high enough that my doctor would be able to see something in an ultrasound. I dreaded that scan - I just knew it wouldn't go well. And I was right. At 7.5 weeks along they found an appropriately-sized embryo....in my right Fallopian tube. Ectopic Pregnancy.

My heart completely shattered.

I spent the next several weeks in a fog. I honestly barely remember it. I stopped eating, and slept the days away.

I had been "treated" with methotrexate (yep, chemo) to avoid a ruptured tube and surgery. The toxic drugs meant we were prohibited from trying again for three months. That was probably for the best though - I wasn't in a healthy mind set to risk becoming pregnant.

At the three-month mark my fertility doctor performed an HSG test to check my fallopian tubes. Not only was it an excruciating experience, but I found out my right tube is mostly blocked and there is a very high chance of future ectopic pregnancies. I remember wishing the stupid tube had just burst earlier.

Despite the risk, we moved forward. Every month when it was time to test I was terrified - both of not being pregnant and failing again, and of being pregnant and going through another ectopic. I didn't think I had the strength to cope with that, but not trying was just as painful.

Two cycles in, in September 2012,  I got a positive test - but I knew it wasn't right. Six hours later I was bleeding. The medical community doesn't even designate this as a miscarriage - it's deemed a "chemical pregnancy". But I saw that plus sign and I know what I lost. At least I could rationalize with that baby things just weren't "right" - it wouldn't have been healthy and it ended on its own, naturally. But I was still incredibly angry that things were getting so hard for us. That baby's due date was on my birthday too - yet another painful blow.

We continued trying, and I hit my lowest point in December 2012, when our first baby had been due. We didn't put up a single Christmas decoration - there was nothing to celebrate. I avoided all social gatherings and was in tears at the one holiday dinner we couldn't get out of. It was a dark and painful time that I don't even have the words to describe.

We started making plans with our fertility doctor to begin fertility drugs and try an IUI in a month or two. In the meantime, we headed to Cuba for a vacation to try and ease some of the hurt we were feeling. We started talking about at what point "enough is enough" and opening our minds to a child-free future. We decided we would focus on seeing the world to fill the void.

At the end of January I was due to test again. I didn't want to. I already figured I knew the result and there was no point. I didn't want to see any more negative test results. I had given up on charting at that point, but my breasts seemed unusually tender - i just tried to dismiss it.

Three days before my period was due I woke up with an overwhelming urge to test. Jon had just left for work and I decided I didn't want him to know that I had tried anyway so it seemed like a good time. I peed on the stick, sat it on the tub, and looked up at the ceiling - I learned before that staring at it doesn't help anything. I waited a little bit, then picked it up to throw it in the trash. I wasn't even going to look at it - but then I did, and saw two very clear lines.

I honestly lost my breath. I searched within myself and realized I didn't have that feeling of foreboding that preceded the miscarriage. I just knew this one was real - at least for the time being. And then it all hit me and I sat on my bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out for an hour. It was half out of happiness, and half out of sheer terror. All I could think was how I didn't believe I had the strength to lose another baby. Thankfully I wasn't tested a third time.

It wasn't how I expected things to go, and it took a long time to wrap my head around my pregnancy.

I try to see our journey as an integral part of shaping my character, both as a person and as a mother. Everything we experienced will always remain in my heart, serving to remind me to be present and grateful as a parent. And I can be open and honest about these experiences, to try and support other women on a journey that is incredibly scary and isolating.

"While I breathe, I hope."

"When the world says "give up", hope whispers "try one more time."

Photo Credit: Pink Spark Photography